This morning I was counseled by a dear brother on shepherding a child's heart. So often in evangelical Christianity, parents seek to force their children to be obedient through "behaviorism" (behavior modification), rather than a "heart change." As long as our children say what we want them to say like, "yes maam or no, sir" we are happy they are being obedient and respectful, while all the while their hearts have not been changed toward God nor their sin.
I wanted to share an article by Margy Tripp entitled "What If It's Too Late." The article deals with some basic and very practical ways to shepherd your child's heart, even if you think its too late. Let me just say, it is never too late. Also, I want to encourage you as parents to take the time to shepherd your children's heart regardless of their age or where they are at in life. Remember to be gospel centered, grace saturated, and long-suffering, as God in Christ has been with you and I.
Here is the article...
What If It’s Too Late?
By Margy Tripp
Many parents
read or hear Shepherding a Child’s Heart
and grow discouraged. “It’s too late to shepherd my children! We lost control years ago!” They realize that the early opportunities to
shepherd respect for authority and character have been lost to the convenient, worldly, and manipulative
methods of behaviorism. For some the circumstances of life have interfered
with the nurturing process – i.e. jobs, broken marriages, divorce. The fruit is painful! Teenagers raised with behaviorism, especially
when it is mixed with some form of Christian values, are often sullen, bitter,
and rebellious OR arrogant and legalistic.
If either of
these descriptions is true in your home, take heart. All is not lost! Remember, it is always God’s work of
grace that brings our children to repentance and faith, not our works or our
children’s works (Ephesians 2:8, 9). Our skill in parenting is not the deciding
factor in our children’s response to God.
God’s call to parents all along the path of childrearing is to keep the
ground of the heart “plowed up” with God’s truth (Deuteronomy 6; Psalm
145:4ff). Beyond that, it is the
work of God’s Spirit.
Often, out of
ignorance of the Scriptures or poor training in God’s way, parents forge ahead
with the Bible in one hand and the parenting methods of their parents or the
“experts” in the other hand. They
earnestly desire to “train up a child in the way he should go…”, but are not
well equipped to do it God’s way. That was our experience. Perhaps this has been your experience as
well. You find yourself now, hearing the
call to shepherd your children with the nurture and admonition of the
Scripture, and you wonder why you didn’t hear this years ago. Wherever you are now, God calls you to take
hold of the plow. When and where you
heard biblical truth about childrearing must be left to God’s sovereign
purposes. Start now to shepherd your
child’s heart! But how can we hope to
“plow up” hearts that have already become hard?
Children allow resentment
and bitterness to grow up in a heart that has been devastated by hurt and the
painful circumstances of life in a fallen world. These are hearts that have not been plowed up
be God’s truth in God’s way. This
process of plowing up the hard hearts of children and teens is “disarming
rebellion”. Let me summarize the process,
which will be expanded on in later issues.
First, we
must understand the resistance. Children become “armed against” ungodly
methods of constraining and controlling behavior. This is particularly evident where Christian
faith and behaviorism have been mixed together, wittingly or unwittingly, to
keep control. The truth is, Christian
faith and behaviorism don’t mix! Over
years of manipulation, whether it is positive (rewards and incentives) or
negative (everything from authoritarian rule to carefully executed punishments
or anger and rage), children come to feel justified in their resistance and
rebellion (Proverbs 18:19). Parents perceive
the resistance as resistance to God and Christian faith. However, what they observe may be resistance
to unholy methods of discipline and correction. Because parents are God’s tangible
representatives, children increasingly attribute to God the ungracious and manipulative
treatment experienced at the hands of parents.
Therefore, they resist God’s authority and resist our attempts to
discipline and direct as agents of this God.
It is important for us to identify the source of resistance.
Second,
determine to make allies of your children rather than adversaries.
The adversarial relationship that fills the void of meaningful
relationship must be broken. The parent
must initiate this. Talk to them, not
once, but often. Acknowledge your
mistake in mixing God’s direction for parenting with the methods of the world –
behaviorism. Identify the means of
behaviorism you have used and why they are wrong. Ask forgiveness for anger, legalism,
manipulation, disapproval, (of the emotional sort), threats and guilt
trips. Give your children a biblical
picture of shepherding. Pray with
them. Show them that you want to
shepherd them in the same way Christ shepherded you—He looked at the world
through your eyes. He came along side
you to comfort and encourage you, even in your sin. He promises to be with you and to help you
walk in His ways.
Third, give
your children time to “digest”
all you have said and invite them to respectfully ask questions, to tell you
ways your previous methods have hurt and confused them. Don’t defend your past practices; rather help
to facilitate your child in expressing the issues that have made them feel
justified in their rebellion. Gently,
without accusation or inflammatory language, instruct them to a correct
understanding of your parenting where their assessment of your discipline is
unfair. Assure your children of your
desire and determination, by God’s grace to learn new ways of bringing
discipline and correction to them that will not foster strife and division. Be quick to genuinely seek forgiveness when you
fall into old patterns.
Fourth, tell
your children clearly what you expect of them and discuss those expectations with them in ways that they
can accept, even if they don’t agree.
This has mostly to do with the way expectations are presented – not as a
new set of rules or hoops to jump through – but as standards which we (parents)
insist on for your (children’s ) good and God’s glory. Tell your children what they may expect from
you – everything from your response to their behavior to the consequences they
may bring on themselves (sowing and reaping) as a result of their choices.
Fifth, PRAY!
While we are not assured that our confessions and honest efforts to
reestablish relationship will produce change, we do have the testimony of David
in Psalm 51:10-17. “Create in me a pure
heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take
your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto
me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then
I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who
saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take
pleasure in burnt offerings. The
sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you
will not despise.”
3
There is
something in the humility of confessing our sins that loosens our tongues and
gives us the right to speak. Our
children become armed against our ungodly methods of constraining and
controlling behavior. Only taking away
their armament will open the way for renewed relationship.
When children
have hardened their hearts with the justification that parents have been harsh,
uncaring, self-serving, indifferent to their needs and desires, sinfully angry,
vengeful, controlling, manipulative, two-faced, inaccessible, proud, or
hypocritical in parenting, there is only one solution. It is that described in James 4. If we are to disarm rebellion, we must
confess the ways we have had alliances with the world in our child-rearing
methods – even if it was out of ignorance.
We must ask forgiveness of God and our offended children. We must humble ourselves in the repentance
process and draw near to God in His Word by His Spirit. In doing so – we “disarm” our children and
teens. If they resist further, they have nowhere to hide from the conviction of
God’s Spirit because we have removed all the justification due to our own sin
and failures. They must deal with
God! We do not want to be an impediment
to our children facing the reality of their rebellion against God. Removing our offenses clears the path to
God’s convicting power.
If you are
thinking now, “You just don’t know my teenager!”, you’re right. I don’t. But God does.
And He is able to make your humble obedience to His truth effective and
productive in your home! We’ll talk
about this more in future articles.
In all these
efforts, we must by God’s grace exhibit the fruits of the Spirit and the whole
armor of God. Remember, this is not
another exercise in behaviorism. This is
a spiritual endeavor—a holy mission. Be
sure your own heart has known the master’s plow – that strong roots and good
fruit are evident. Otherwise, your work
will be in vain and you will reap harder hearts than before! Our hope is this, “Peacemakers who sow in
peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”
James 3:18.
