" A Parents Guide in Shepherding Your Child's Heart

     This morning I was counseled by a dear brother on shepherding a child's heart. So often in evangelical Christianity, parents seek to force their children to be obedient through "behaviorism"  (behavior modification), rather than  a "heart change." As long as our children say what we want them to say like, "yes maam or no, sir" we are happy they are being obedient and respectful, while all the while their hearts have not been changed toward God nor their sin.
     I wanted to share an article by Margy Tripp entitled "What If It's Too Late." The article deals with some basic and very practical ways to shepherd your child's heart, even if you think its too late. Let me just say, it is never too late. Also, I want to encourage you as parents to take the time to shepherd your children's heart regardless of their age or where they are at in life. Remember to be gospel centered, grace saturated, and long-suffering, as God in Christ has been with you and I.

Here is the article...

What If It’s Too Late?

By Margy Tripp

Many parents read or hear Shepherding a Child’s Heart and grow discouraged. “It’s too late to shepherd my children!  We lost control years ago!”  They realize that the early opportunities to shepherd respect for authority and character have been lost to the convenient, worldly, and manipulative methods of behaviorism. For some the circumstances of life have interfered with the nurturing process – i.e. jobs, broken marriages, divorce.   The fruit is painful!  Teenagers raised with behaviorism, especially when it is mixed with some form of Christian values, are often sullen, bitter, and rebellious OR arrogant and legalistic.

If either of these descriptions is true in your home, take heart.  All is not lost!  Remember, it is always God’s work of grace that brings our children to repentance and faith, not our works or our children’s works (Ephesians 2:8, 9).  Our skill in parenting is not the deciding factor in our children’s response to God.  God’s call to parents all along the path of childrearing is to keep the ground of the heart “plowed up” with God’s truth (Deuteronomy 6; Psalm 145:4ff).  Beyond that, it is the work of God’s Spirit.

Often, out of ignorance of the Scriptures or poor training in God’s way, parents forge ahead with the Bible in one hand and the parenting methods of their parents or the “experts” in the other hand.  They earnestly desire to “train up a child in the way he should go…”, but are not well equipped to do it God’s way. That was our experience.  Perhaps this has been your experience as well.  You find yourself now, hearing the call to shepherd your children with the nurture and admonition of the Scripture, and you wonder why you didn’t hear this years ago.  Wherever you are now, God calls you to take hold of the plow.  When and where you heard biblical truth about childrearing must be left to God’s sovereign purposes.  Start now to shepherd your child’s heart!  But how can we hope to “plow up” hearts that have already become hard?

Children allow resentment and bitterness to grow up in a heart that has been devastated by hurt and the painful circumstances of life in a fallen world.  These are hearts that have not been plowed up be God’s truth in God’s way.  This process of plowing up the hard hearts of children and teens is “disarming rebellion”.  Let me summarize the process, which will be expanded on in later issues.

First, we must understand the resistance.  Children become “armed against” ungodly methods of constraining and controlling behavior.  This is particularly evident where Christian faith and behaviorism have been mixed together, wittingly or unwittingly, to keep control.  The truth is, Christian faith and behaviorism don’t mix!  Over years of manipulation, whether it is positive (rewards and incentives) or negative (everything from authoritarian rule to carefully executed punishments or anger and rage), children come to feel justified in their resistance and rebellion (Proverbs 18:19).  Parents perceive the resistance as resistance to God and Christian faith.  However, what they observe may be resistance to unholy methods of discipline and correction.   Because parents are God’s tangible representatives, children increasingly attribute to God the ungracious and manipulative treatment experienced at the hands of parents.  Therefore, they resist God’s authority and resist our attempts to discipline and direct as agents of this God.  It is important for us to identify the source of resistance.

Second, determine to make allies of your children rather than adversaries.  The adversarial relationship that fills the void of meaningful relationship must be broken.  The parent must initiate this.  Talk to them, not once, but often.  Acknowledge your mistake in mixing God’s direction for parenting with the methods of the world – behaviorism.  Identify the means of behaviorism you have used and why they are wrong.  Ask forgiveness for anger, legalism, manipulation, disapproval, (of the emotional sort), threats and guilt trips.  Give your children a biblical picture of shepherding.  Pray with them.  Show them that you want to shepherd them in the same way Christ shepherded you—He looked at the world through your eyes.  He came along side you to comfort and encourage you, even in your sin.  He promises to be with you and to help you walk in His ways.

Third, give your children time to “digest” all you have said and invite them to respectfully ask questions, to tell you ways your previous methods have hurt and confused them.  Don’t defend your past practices; rather help to facilitate your child in expressing the issues that have made them feel justified in their rebellion.  Gently, without accusation or inflammatory language, instruct them to a correct understanding of your parenting where their assessment of your discipline is unfair.  Assure your children of your desire and determination, by God’s grace to learn new ways of bringing discipline and correction to them that will not foster strife and division.  Be quick to genuinely seek forgiveness when you fall into old patterns.

Fourth, tell your children clearly what you expect of them and discuss those expectations with them in ways that they can accept, even if they don’t agree.  This has mostly to do with the way expectations are presented – not as a new set of rules or hoops to jump through – but as standards which we (parents) insist on for your (children’s ) good and God’s glory.  Tell your children what they may expect from you – everything from your response to their behavior to the consequences they may bring on themselves (sowing and reaping) as a result of their choices.

Fifth, PRAY!  While we are not assured that our confessions and honest efforts to reestablish relationship will produce change, we do have the testimony of David in Psalm 51:10-17.  “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore unto me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.  Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.  You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

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 There is something in the humility of confessing our sins that loosens our tongues and gives us the right to speak.  Our children become armed against our ungodly methods of constraining and controlling behavior.  Only taking away their armament will open the way for renewed relationship.

When children have hardened their hearts with the justification that parents have been harsh, uncaring, self-serving, indifferent to their needs and desires, sinfully angry, vengeful, controlling, manipulative, two-faced, inaccessible, proud, or hypocritical in parenting, there is only one solution.  It is that described in James 4.  If we are to disarm rebellion, we must confess the ways we have had alliances with the world in our child-rearing methods – even if it was out of ignorance.  We must ask forgiveness of God and our offended children.  We must humble ourselves in the repentance process and draw near to God in His Word by His Spirit.  In doing so – we “disarm” our children and teens. If they resist further, they have nowhere to hide from the conviction of God’s Spirit because we have removed all the justification due to our own sin and failures.  They must deal with God!  We do not want to be an impediment to our children facing the reality of their rebellion against God.  Removing our offenses clears the path to God’s convicting power.

If you are thinking now, “You just don’t know my teenager!”, you’re right. I don’t.  But God does.  And He is able to make your humble obedience to His truth effective and productive in your home!  We’ll talk about this more in future articles.

In all these efforts, we must by God’s grace exhibit the fruits of the Spirit and the whole armor of God.  Remember, this is not another exercise in behaviorism.  This is a spiritual endeavor—a holy mission.  Be sure your own heart has known the master’s plow – that strong roots and good fruit are evident.  Otherwise, your work will be in vain and you will reap harder hearts than before!  Our hope is this, “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”  James 3:18.